Maine news, sports, weather | Kennebec Journal, Augusta, Maine

June 7, 2010

Nagging roommate problem annoying, but not a big deal

Morning Sentinel Staff

Dear Harlan,

My roommate acts like she's my mother. She constantly texts and calls me when I go out to ask me when I'll be home. She then tells me what time I should come home. How do I explain to her that I already have a mother? I try to be patient with her, but I can't stand her constant nagging. I'm ready to move out. Please help me.

Maternal

Dear Maternal,

Maybe if you get sick she'll make you chicken soup, let you watch cartoons and scratch your back (I like that). Listen, you're lucky this is your roommate problem. There are so many horrible roommate situations. She could drink and vomit, do drugs and steal from you, sleep with your boyfriend and then bring over strangers (all things that have happened to others). She also could never talk to you or care about you. Having her as a roommate is not such a terrible thing. How about telling her that you appreciate how much attention she gives you, but sometimes you wonder why she's so curious about your arrival and departure info? Maybe she doesn't realize she's doing it. Maybe she secretly has people over while you're gone (wonder what she's doing?). The bottom line is that she might be annoying, but she could be so much more disruptive in your life. Give her permission to care about you and just make sure you're home by midnight. You don't want her to ground you for being home after curfew.

Dear Harlan,

I've been dating my boyfriend for several months now. I really care about him and want this to work. Recently, we started to become sexually active. My boyfriend is extremely large, and I'm sometimes hesitant to have sex with him. I'm concerned that this is going to be a long-term problem. Is this something that I'll get used to, or do you think this will be too much to get beyond? It's been causing a lot of stress in our relationship.

Big Problem

Dear Big Problem,

Before offering you advice, I'd like to take a moment to give all the average-size men a moment to gather their composure and stop celebrating. Yes, bigger is not always better.

As for your situation, a couple of things jump out at me. First, you must visit your gynecologist and have a candid conversation. Make sure it's a gynecologist you can talk to. If you don't have a gynecologist, then find one. In addition to annual or semiannual check-ups, you need to be able to talk about anything -- sex, STDs, birth control, etc. Whether you were a virgin before being intimate with your boyfriend or not, there could be something medical happening here. There could be an easy fix (example: a hymen that didn't break on its own). A doctor can offer suggestions on positions that are easier for you, lubrication and approaches to accommodate his size.

Beyond talking to your doctor about this problem, you need to be 100 percent comfortable talking to your boyfriend. This means telling him what feels right and what feels wrong. It means communicating with him before, during and after sex. Unless you have an emotionally intimate relationship, having a physically intimate relationship that's comfortable is going to be impossible.

This big problem doesn't have to be the end of the relationship. It can be something that brings you closer together.

Harlan is the author of "The Happiest Kid On Campus: A Parent's Guide to the Very Best College Experience (for You and Your Child)" (Sourcebooks). Write Harlan at harlan@helpmeharlan.com or visit online: www.helpmeharlan.com. All letters submitted become property of the author. Send paper to Help Me, Harlan! 2506 N. Clark St., Ste. 223, Chicago, IL 60614.

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