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Guy who struggles with sexuality has tough time forgiving himself

The Second

Hey Harlan,

So, I recently started to experiment with the same sex. Afterward, I always become ill (such as nausea, vomiting, etc.). But for some reason, I keep going back to this experimental side of things. Now I have met a guy who is pretty nice. We have been hanging out, and things have been going well. After one night we spent together, the next day I felt horrible. I felt guilty and ashamed and several times during the course of the day I started to become horribly upset. I would start to cry when I was alone and thought about the previous night's events. I have talked to him about it, and he said that I just need to find myself. I am not sure what to do. I was wondering if you can help me. It would be greatly appreciated!

Searching For Me

Dear Searching,

Instead of guilt, shame, sickness or sadness, feel an intense sense of pride. Smile. You're figuring it out. It can be frightening to be authentic. Appreciate that when it comes to sexual orientation, we live in two worlds. One is a world where people will judge you based on your sexual orientation, and the other is a place where people will love and accept you regardless of who you love. Seek out the people living in a world who will love and respect you. But it all starts with you. It's hard to feel good about yourself when your best friend (you) is so judgmental and unforgiving.

Stop judging yourself. Accept who you are. Work to love yourself unconditionally. This means taking a break from dating or experimenting with anyone until you can love yourself. As you continue your self-exploration, turn to adults who have been down a similar path. Find a therapist to guide you. Look to online resources like www.pflag.org (this can point you in the direction to get help). Forget labels. Focus on working on accepting and loving yourself. Only then will you be emotionally equipped to share your life with another man or woman and have the courage and confidence to live an authentic life in both worlds. Now that's happiness.

Dear Harlan,

This is in response to the "loyal dog" in the sexless marriage. After 20-plus years of neglect and living on the hope that her attitude would eventually change, my wife, in a moment of honesty, finally told me she had no intention of indulging me in any way ever again, and that included kissing. I was devastated and after gathering my thoughts told her I could no longer live the life of a eunuch. I suggested we stay together as one household for the kids but, when they had finished school, we would go our separate ways. In the meantime, she was not to ever ask me where I had been when I came home late! The first time I didn't check in from work at the usual time, she went ballistic. By the second time, after talking to her priest, she was willing to go to counseling. My advice -- have the affair.

Not a Eunuch

Dear Not a Eunuch,

Why have an affair? Why not separate and form a different kind of relationship? The moment he has an affair is the moment he's then done something wrong. Cheaters are always wrong -- even if they feel justified to cheat.

Cheating will just give her a reason to resent him -- and the divorce attorney a much stronger case.

Harlan is the author of "The Happiest Kid On Campus: A Parent's Guide to the Very Best College Experience (for You and Your Child)" (Sourcebooks). Write Harlan at harlan@helpmeharlan.com or visit online: www.helpmeharlan.com. All letters submitted become property of the author. Send paper to Help Me, Harlan! 2506 N. Clark St., Ste. 223, Chicago, IL 60614.